hanna birke

on the subject of knitting, my mother loves the swatch for the Sound of Waves wrap by Kieran Foley so i've cast this on.  the rows are 327 stitches long and i'm a slow knitter so a row can take me half an hour.  when i slow my mind down i find knitting long rows relaxing, it's a matter of slowing down inside though.

i've put the idea of an Inspira cowl back on the shelf because i don't have enough of the yarns i want to use to make a full-sized Inspira cowl.  also i'm still sorting out what the winter climate here requires.  i'll need warm things of course but not clothing heavy enough for -30 C weather.  a stranded cowl in worsted weight might only be needed a few days a year here.  so i'm floating a few other cowl ideas around my head.  

the week started with 2 days of suicide intervention training.  important training but not the happiest topic.  by tuesday evening i was tired and discouraged.  when 4:55pm Friday rolled around i was finishing up my session notes and looking forward calling it a week.  then the phone rang and my supervisor asked me to speak with a woman in distress.  i'd never spoken to her before but it was clear she was embarrassed about about calling so late in the day, she was hard to keep on the phone at first, saying she was sorry to be so needy.  i reassured her that a few minutes on the phone was a small inconvenience and that i'd rather talk with her than have her hang up still crying.  besides i find needy women who can use that word and acknowledge their neediness refreshing.

a few more minutes on the phone and it was clear i was speaking with a well-educated and professional woman, a peer or perhaps someone with her life more together than mine.  she was having trouble in with her teenage daughter and she relayed the details of an argument they'd just had.  i listened and when she asked for advice i said simply that i'd have approached the situation the same way she did.  

she sighed and said yes that's the same thing my friends would say.  we talked a bit more and then she said well that was my last 10 minutes before i called you - what was your 10 minutes like before i called? 

without thinking about it i told her i was looking at the time and feeling relieved no one had called the crisis line yet and perhaps i would be able to go home on time.  i think my honesty surprised both of us and we ended up laughing and laughing.  it was good to hear her laughing.

we spoke a bit more about the impossibility of parenting well and staying sanely married and ways to create more harmony in a home and then we laughed some more.  after half an hour she said well you haven't solved any of my problems but you've made me laugh. she thanked me and we wished each other a good weekend and then i drove home - much happier than i'd been at the beginning of the week.  

i think i said this before but Ariel Gore, author of Bluebird: Women and the New Psychology of Happiness, says when we start writing down what makes us happy we might find the things that make us happy surprise us.  

this photograph was taken on Wednesday morning - my neighbor who works on the waterfront asked me for a ride to work and i grabbed this quickly when i dropped her off.  it's the only photograph i took all week that i like.  i was convinced i didn't have time this week for the film cameras and so i took the digital and was frustrated with most of the digital shots.  if i'm going to take photographs again i need to find time for film.

knitting next

i had and idea for a sweater for myself and made a few swatches but nothing felt right so i've abandoned this idea.  

part of the problem with knitting much for myself is this is my first winter in 14 years on the west coast and i'm not quite sure what kinds of knits i'll need.  it's probably better to get through this winter with the sweaters i have before making more.

my mother would like a wrap to keep her shoulders warm when she reads at night.  we've settled on Sound of Waves by Kieran Foley (knit/lab).  

above is the swatch using 1 strand of spun silk from Catnip Yarns and 1 strand of Habu merino.  my mother isn't a big fan of wool so i may cast on with just the spun silk.  she's coming for a visit this evening and i'm excited about showing her the swatch and hearing what she thinks.  

this lace pattern isn't hard but when i've got lace on the needles i also like to have something else going just in case i'm not in the mood for lace knitting.  the Inspira Cowl by Celery Stalks has been on my list since last spring and this week i swatched for the Steampunk version with a natural dyed fingering merino and some dark KnitPics heather.  wow - i had not expected these two to look so masculine together.  perfect for a man's scarf but not what i want in cowl.

i was about to give up on the Inspira idea and move on to something else but i dug through my yarn one more time and came up with another yarn combination.  i can't get the colors right on my monitor -the deep orange is way too red in the photograph - and the tan is more subtle in person. i may nix the orange anyway but i like the other yarns together.

on friday night i watched part of a movie that spoofed the new positive psychology and that made me really not want to write about 'happy moments' or positive things.  i'm self-conscious about looking half-baked.  in truth i'd like to find a way to write more about what it's like to be a therapist - i have a lot of amazing moments with people - but of course there are confidentiality issues.  i'm going to think about this more - maybe research it a bit because i know some people in my profession do write about their work. 

as hoped, i got a roll of film taken and developed.  i used my Zero Image pinhole camera which i've only used once before.  i need to work with this camera some more to get a better sense of lens range.  and i also need to be more careful with camera shake during the longer exposures.  still i shot a roll of film and dug out my developing equipment and that in itself is progress. 

 

 

 

socks finished

this week i finished the Riff socks i started last spring for my husband.  they're already in use and he says he likes them.  half way through knitting these i read that knitting socks at a tighter gauge helps them last longer so i went down a few needle sizes for the second sock.  i'll report back and let you know if the tighter gauge sock holds out longer until it's mending time.  

 tomorrow i'll package up the sweater for my daughter and mail it off to her - along with some lavender i grew this summer.  if time permits i'll also swatch for the next knit - more about this next time i post.

one of the things i've found with writing down the happy moments is that patterns emerge -  a lot of the happy moments involve water and/or birds.  

here's a moment from last thursday morning when i stopped by the beach before going in to work.

"the sun is coming up and the tide is out.  i follow the path down to the beach, over some logs and on to the smooth beach stones to stand still half way between the tide edge and the logs.  it's cool and a bit windy.  gulls and crows fly over to me and because of the wind hover for a few seconds over my shoulder.  they feel quite close, not quite close enough to touch but close enough that i have a strong sense of their presence.  probably they've come to see if i have food for them and i don't.  but i also feel welcomed back to the beach by these birds."

last weekend we went down island to visit my mother and also to hang out in the bookstores.  i bought THE UNFOLDING NOW by A. H. Almaas.  it wasn't a book i went in looking for but i've read and enjoyed one of his other books.  the first chapter is called Loving The Real - and the chapter title alone sold me on the book.

here's a quote from the first chapter.

"Reality is not what is usually reflected in our minds.  Reality is much cleaner and simpler, and in comparison to the noisy world of our usual inner experience, so much more settled and at ease."

the photograph above was taken 2 weeks ago with a plastic disposable camera.  on my lunch break i try to walk down to the water even when it's raining - as it is here.  i'm 2.5 hours from a photo lab - so if i want to use film cameras i either have to develop my own film or save up exposed rolls of film and get them developed when i go down island every few months.  my plan is to unpack my Zero F pinhole camera tomorrow and load it with a roll of film.  and then order some more color developing chemicals and do the developing myself.  wish me luck.

almost finished

i say almost because i'm only half done the belt for this adaptation of a Shiri Mori sweater for my daughter.

i hope she'll like the sweater.  because i'd changed the stitch patterns and a bit of the shape i had my doubts about whether i could pull this one off.  but it looks nice and it feels a warm hug when it's on so i'm calling it a success.

here's a photo showing some of stitch details.  the sweater called for 5 different stitch patterns.  i was worried with all those stitch patterns that the sweater would end up looking a bit busy but the seed stitch i added for the collar seems to calm the whole thing down.

now i'm keen to knit something for myself but i'm not sure what.  i've been rummaging through my yarn and swatching ... nothing is feeling quite right yet.  

a commenter on my last post asked how the move went and how life is here. 

i had a feeling things would be challenging here and for the first few months i ended up in tears at some point each day.  the frustrations pushed me to reexamine some of my early training and also to take a closer look at the new Positive Psychology.  in the last 3 months i've read LEARNED OPTIMISM by Martin Seligman, POSITIVITY by Barbara L. Fredrickson and BLUEBIRD by Ariel Gore.  i've also been re-reading my books by Sakyong Mipham (TURNING THE MIND IN TO AN ALLY and RULING YOUR WORLD).  i haven't returned to serious photography and i hadn't done much drawing.    

i did start keeping a handwritten journal again though and this week i read an interview with the artist Richard Serra in which refers to handwriting as a form of drawing. it was nice to think that the act of forming letters and words in a journal could be seen as expression.

i think it was in one of my Sakyong Mipham books that i read - 'there will always be something to complain about'.  this hit me hard.  i think i've complained too much in life and i'd like to see if i can gently nudge my thinking in a more positive direction.

in preparing to write her book BLUEBIRD Ariel Gore asked 10o women to write down each day the moments in which they were the happiest.  i've started doing this - not every day - but a few times a week.  this blog doesn't get used enough by me and i'd like to reclaim this space to record some of those happy moments as well as some of my thinking as i continue to try to build a more positive outlook.

here's a moment of happiness i recorded in my journal a week ago.  

"Today I walked a 10 year old boy home from my office.  He was in a good mood because he had a new toy and new boots and enough to eat that morning.  It had been storming for 2 days and there were puddles in front of his building.  He was splashing in the puddles and enjoying his new boots.  At first I was avoiding his splashes, trying not to get my shoes and jeans wet but then I decided to splash too.  It was fun.  And fun to do it together.  I felt free, like I was really letting loose.  The splashing got us both laughing and as we walked toward the building I thought gosh I've been so heavy lately, I'd like to lighten up, maybe I don't have to hold on to my responsibilities quite so tightly."